I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
