It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
