True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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