Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
