Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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