the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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