i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
