hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
