DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
