i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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