life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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