she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
