I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
