Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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