Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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