WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
