peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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