I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
