I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
