haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
