How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
