had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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