I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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