just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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