forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
