Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
