my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
