So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
