I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
