I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
