My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
