She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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