If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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