dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
