just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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