woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
