pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
