Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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