What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
accomplished twins. life is a go
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
