I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
