Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
