I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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