i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
