Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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