just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
