If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
