don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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