so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
