i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
