We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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